英検2級ライティングの添削、できれば採点もお願いします。 前回50%しかありませんでした。 よろしくお願いします…

Question

英検2級ライティングの添削、できれば採点もお願いします。
前回50%しかありませんでした。
よろしくお願いします。

TOPICSome people say that young people should
spend more time thinking about their future
careers. Do you agree with this opinion?

(POINTS: Education, Income, Skills)

回答

I agree that young people should spend more time thinking about their future careers. I have two reasons. First, young people, such as students can image what they want to do in the future clearly. This will make students want to learn more about jobs to fulfill their dreams. Second, young people will be able to develop skills and knowleges that need for their future careers in advance. For instance, by making the communication skill better and learning English hard, they can become English teacher more efficient. Therefore, I believe it would be attractive for young people to spend more time thinking about their future careers.

Answer 1

とても良く書けていると思います。
スペルミスや単複形のミスを減らす等するともう少しスコアも上がると思います。

"Image"
⇨ "imagine"
◆"image"は名詞です。ここは動詞にしましょう。

"Young people, such as students"
⇨ "Young people, like students"
◆"such as"でも間違いではないので、参考までに。

"Clearly"
⇨ "more clearly"
◆"more"を付けることで「『もっと』クリアに将来設計がイメージ出来る」と強調出来ます。

"This will make students want to learn more about jobs to fulfill their dreams"
⇨ "This helps them become more motivated to learn about jobs that match their dreams"
◆"make students want"という表現をエッセイに適した表現"motivate"を使ってみましょう。
◆"fulfill their dreams"よりはもうちょっと自然な表現"match their dreams"に。

"Skills and knowleges that need"
⇨ "skills and knowledge they will need"
◆"knowledge"は不可算名詞です。
◆"あなたの文章だと『スキルと知識が将来必要としている』という変な文章になるので「彼らが必要としているスキルと知識」に変えましょう。

"By making the communication skill better and learning English hard"
⇨ "By improving their communication skills and studying English hard"
◆"making 〇〇 better" ではなく"improve"という言葉を使ってまどろっこしさをなくしましょう。
◆"learning"よりも"studying"の方が本文の内容に即していると思います。

"Become English teacher more efficient"
⇨ "become more effective English teachers"
◆あなたの表現だとちょっと意味不明。"efficient"の使い方を間違えてるのかな。

"It would be attractive"
⇨ "it is important"
◆ここでは"attractive"は意味的にそぐわないですね。

内容 3/4
構成 2/4
文法 2/4
語彙 2/4

I believe that young people should invest more time in planning their future careers. First, students can imagine their future paths more clearly, which motivates them to learn about jobs that align with their dreams. Second, they can develop the essential skills and knowledge needed for their future careers early on. For example, by improving their communication skills and studying English hard, they can become more effective English teachers. In summary, focusing on career planning allows young people to pursue their ambitions actively and equips them with the tools necessary for success in their chosen fields.