英検準一級のライティングの過去問を解いたのですが、添削をお願いしたいです。また、このレベルでライティング単体で見た場合、…

Question

英検準一級のライティングの過去問を解いたのですが、添削をお願いしたいです。また、このレベルでライティング単体で見た場合、準一級は厳しいでしょうか？ご意見をお聞かせくださいテーマ：should people trust information on the internet?

I think people should not trust information.
I have two reasons for it.
First, everyone can post information on the Internet. people can post information even though People don’t have deep knowledge about this information. And there are some people that change information to show their opinion on the Internet.
In TV and paper, only the expert serve information.
Second, information on the Internet is often not checked by someone before serve it. Information on the paper or TV or magazine is checked many times and fake information is removed.
So there is a lot of information that people don’t have to trust on the Internet.
Considering the reasons mentioned above, there are a lot of fake information and we don’t have to trust it.

Answer 1

"people can post information even though People don’t have deep knowledge about this information."
修正: "People can post information even though they don’t have deep knowledge about it."
理由: "People"の最初の使用では冠詞が必要で、また二度目の出現で代名詞 "they" が適切です。また、「about this information」は簡潔に「about it」と表現できます。
"And there are some people that change information to show their opinion on the Internet."
修正: "Some people alter information to reflect their opinions on the Internet."
理由: 「that」の使用を省略して文を簡潔にし、「change」を「alter」に変更して表現を適切にしました。
"In TV and paper, only the expert serve information."
修正: "On TV and in print, only experts provide information."
理由: 「In」を「On」に修正して、テレビや印刷物の文脈において「serve information」の代わりに「provide information」を使用しました。
"Information on the paper or TV or magazine is checked many times and fake information is removed."
修正: "Information in newspapers, on TV, or in magazines is thoroughly checked, and fake information is removed."
理由: "Information on the paper"のような表現は、通常「Information in newspapers」などの形に変更されます。また、「checked many times」を「thoroughly checked」に変更して文を強調しました。
"So there is a lot of information that people don’t have to trust on the Internet."
修正: "Therefore, there is a lot of information on the Internet that people shouldn’t blindly trust."
理由: 「So」を「Therefore」に修正して論理的な連結を強調し、「don’t have to trust」を「shouldn’t blindly trust」に変更して強調と具体性を追加しました。