英検のライティングの添削お願いします！

Question

英検のライティングの添削お願いします！題：Some people say that Japan should accept more people from other countries to work in Japan. Do you agree with this opinion?

答：I agree that Japan should accept more people from other countries to work in Japan. I have two reasons to support this opinion. To begin with, there are less people who working in Japan because of aging society. Companies in Japan needs more workers. Foreign workers can be help these companies. In addition, Japanese workers can get good experiences by communicating with foreign workers. For example, they can learn foreign cultures. Therefore they can broaden their ideas. This would be profit of the company. These are the reasons why I think Japanese workers and foreign workers work together.

よろしくお願いいたします！

Answer 1

I agree that Japan should accept more people from other countries to work in Japan. I have two reasons to support this opinion. To begin with, some fewer people working in Japan because of the aging society. Companies in Japan needs more workers. Foreign employees can help these companies. In addition, Japanese workers can get good experiences by communicating with foreign workers. For example, they can learn about new cultures. They can broaden their ideas. This would be a profit for companies. For these reasons, I believe that Japan should encourage the acceptance of foreign laborers.

いくつか添削箇所があります。ご確認ください。

また、英検のライティングでは、同じ表現を繰り返し使うと減点される場合があります。ですから、言い換えを効かせることも必要です。

あと、最後のConclusion（結論、再主張）のところで、「日本人と外国人を一緒に働かせるべき」と書かれていました。ですが、トピックから少しズレていると感じたので、「日本は外国人の働き手の受け入れを促進させるべきだ。」と言う文言に変更してみました。

最後に、これで100％完璧とは限らないので、ご了承ください。