英検2級ライティングの英作文の添削、できれば採点もお願いします。高得点が狙いたいのですが改善ポイントが自分だと分からない…

Question

英検2級ライティングの英作文の添削、できれば採点もお願いします。高得点が狙いたいのですが改善ポイントが自分だと分からないのでご教授ください。
以下問題文と回答です。問題文 ●以下のTOPICについて、あなたの意見とその理由を2つ書きなさい。
●語数の目安は80語〜100語です。

TOPIC
Today, many buildings collect rainwater and then use it in various ways, such as giving water to plants. Do you think such buildings will become more common in the future?
POINTS
• Cost.
• Emergency
• Technology

回答

I think that buildings that collect rainwater and use it in varioas ways will become more common in the future. This essay will explain two main reasons for my argument in terms of cost and emergency. First. it would be necessary fon companies to store much water in care of emergency. For instance, those rainwater can become the sole drink for people when the earthquake happen. Second, since those companies don't have to buy much water, money that they can use other things will increase. As a result, they will be able
to provide a better services for their customers. For the reasons mentioned above, I believe it is a good idea that more companies collect and use water.

Answer 1

I think buildings that collect rainwater and use it in various ways will become more common. This essay will explain two main reasons for my argument in terms of cost and emergency. First. It would be necessary for companies to store a lot of water in case of an emergency. For instance, rainwater can become the sole drink for people when an earthquake happens. Second, since those companies don't have to buy much water, the amount of money that they can use for other things will increase. As a result, they will be able to provide a better service for their customers. For the reasons mentioned above, I believe it is a good idea that more companies collect and use water.

70/100 点