英語得意な方英検準1級の添削お願いします。私は文法が苦手で、特に仮定法が曖昧なのでそこも見てほしいです。 points …

Question

英語得意な方英検準1級の添削お願いします。私は文法が苦手で、特に仮定法が曖昧なのでそこも見てほしいです。
points
•Motivation to work
•Loyalty•Experience
•Fairness
Topic
Agree or disagree: company should promote workers on performance rather than seniority

I agree that companies should promote workers on their performance rather than their seniority. I have two reasons to support my opinion.
The first reason is that motivation to work will rise. The one reason why people are working is to earn money. If the salary didn’t depend on performance They would lose the reason to work hard and the company's revenue would decrease .
The second reason is that their loyalty would be sure. As I mentioned in the first paragraph, People are working for money. If the company promoted workers on performance they wouldn’t do a corrupt thing because they are capable of earning many money by just working hard.
That’s why I agree that companies should promote workers on performance rather than seniority

Answer 1

Points:

Motivation to work
Loyalty
Experience
Fairness

Topic:
Agree or disagree: Companies should promote workers based on performance rather than seniority.

I agree that companies should promote workers based on their performance rather than their seniority. I have two reasons to support my opinion. The first reason is that motivation to work will increase. The primary reason people work is to earn money. If salary didn't depend on performance, they would lose the incentive to work hard, and the company's revenue would decrease.

The second reason is that their loyalty would be assured. As mentioned in the first paragraph, people work for money. If the company promotes workers based on performance, they are less likely to engage in corrupt practices because they can earn more money simply by working hard.

That's why I agree that companies should promote workers based on performance rather than seniority.

Answer 2

それより、原文を練り直した方が。

そして、英訳は、もっと分かり易くした方が。