英検準一級の添削お願いします(>_<) ●Write an essay on the given TOPIC.

Question

英検準一級の添削お願いします(>_<)

●Write an essay on the given TOPIC.●Use TWO of the POINTS below to support your answer.
●Structure: introduction, main body, and conclusion
●Suggested length: 120-150 words

TOPIC
Agree or disagree: The number of young people who live with their parents after they finish their education will increase in the future.

POINTS
●Convenience
●Cost of living
●Personal freedom
●Safety

I agree with this opinion that the number of young people who live with their parents after they finish their education will increase in the future.
I have two reasons why I think so.
To begin with, I think living alone is more dangerous than living with one’s parents. If young people live alone, they might be a victim of stalking or home thief. To prevent such happening, young people should live with their parents.
In addition, young people have a lower cost of living by living with their parents. If young people live alone, they have to pay a lot of money such as gas, water and electricity bills. If they live with family, they can share such costs.
For the above reasons, I think that the number of young people who live with their parents after they finish their education will increase in the future.

最初と最後の文がまるっきり同じになるのは減点になりますか？
この文章だったらどのくらい１００点満点中何点ですか？

Answer 1

I agree with the notion that the number of young people living with their parents after completing their education will increase in the future. Two key factors support my opinion.

Firstly, residing alone poses potential risks, such as becoming a victim of stalking or burglary. Living with parents provides a safer environment, minimizing these threats and ensuring the well-being of young individuals.

Moreover, living with parents contributes to a lower cost of living. Independent living comes with substantial expenses like gas, water, and electricity bills. Sharing these costs with family members significantly reduces the financial burden on young people.

In conclusion, due to the safety and financial advantages, I believe the trend of young people living with their parents post-education will rise in the future.