【至急】250枚！ライティングの添削をお願いしたいです。英検準1級です。明日本番なので今日中にお願いしたいです汗

Question

【至急】250枚！ライティングの添削をお願いしたいです。英検準1級です。明日本番なので今日中にお願いしたいです汗一応写真も載せときます

Agree or Disagree: High school education in Japan needs to be improved.

POINTS(2つ使う)
・Curriculum
・Globalization
・Pressure on students
・Quality of teaching

語数:120〜150

I think it is a good idea that high school education in Japan needs to be improved.
There are two reasons to support this opinion.

One reason is that I think ways of teaching by teachers are not efficiently.
I usually listen teacher's speaking and taking notes in my lessons now.
However, I heard that the best way of
learning is teaching each other.
By outputting the knowledges, we can learn efficiently.

Another reason is that I think we should improve the skills of speaking and listening more.
Our major way of studying English is understanding grammars and reading with the textbooks.
But in these days, the opportunities that we communicate with foreigners are increasing due to globalization.
So speaking and listening skills are important to communicate with them face to face.

Therefore, I agree with the idea that high school education in Japan needs to be improved.

(149語)

Answer 1

Agree or Disagree: High school education in Japan needs to be improved.

POINTS(2つ使う)
・Curriculum
・Globalization
・Pressure on students
・Quality of teaching

語数:120〜150

One reason is that I think ways of teaching by teachers are not efficiently.
→be動詞の用法がおかしい（中1）。be動詞は通常SVC（Cは名詞または形容詞）でS＝Cの形を取る。SVの第一文型を取ることもあるが、その場合は「Sは～にいる」という存在を表す場合。efficientlyは副詞で形容詞ではないので不可。
I thinkは理由の文では使わないほうがいい。I thinkって確信度が低く、「私はこう思ってるけど実際のところどうかはわかんないし～」みたいな感じ。
もっと客観性を保って書くために、理由の文は主語にIは用いない（用いていいのは準2級くらいまででしょう）。

I usually listen teacher's speaking and taking notes in my lessons now.
→listenの用法（中1レベル）、andの用法
listenは自動詞なのでtoが必要。andの後ろはingでいいのですか？それだと「私はいつも先生の言ってることとノートにとったことを聞く」になりますが、大丈夫ですか？

However, I heard that the best way of learning is teaching each other.
By outputting the knowledges, we can learn efficiently.
→knowledgeは不可算名詞。

Another reason is that I think we should improve the skills of speaking and listening more.
Our major way of studying English is understanding grammars and reading with the textbooks.
→課題文は「英語」の話をしているわけではなく「高校の教育は改善される必要があるか」と問うているので、この理由はズレてます。

But in these days, the opportunities that we communicate with foreigners are increasing due to globalization.
So speaking and listening skills are important to communicate with them face to face.
→以下、理由がずれてるので添削なし

Therefore, I agree with the idea that high school education in Japan needs to be improved.