英検準一級の添削お願いします。 TOPIC Agree or disagree

Question

英検準一級の添削お願いします。

TOPIC
Agree or disagreeParents should give children regular household chores to do

POINTS
・Fairness
・Responsibility
・Time for study
・Stress

I think parents should give children regular household chores to do.
I have two reasons to support my opinion.
To begin with, having children do regular household chores helps their family. I think children should assist with their household chores not only study. Sharing household chores with family member lead to fairness.
In addition, doing regular household chores will be helpful when children start living alone.
If a child does no chores at all while living with his or her family, the child will be confused about chores when he or she starts living on his or her own. I think children should be taught how to do chores by their families.
For the above reasons, I think children should do household chores for their families.

Answer 1

とてもよく書けていると思います。そこまで達者じゃないしあんま直すところないんですが、気づいたところを。

・I think children should assist with their household chores not only study.
言いたいことは分かるんですが、文法的にも意味的にもなんか違和感ありますね。assistを自動詞として使っているのか、studyが目的語なのか、でもそれだと意味がつながらない。こんなのだとどうでしょう？
children should take a part of their time for chores instead of study.

・Sharing household chores with family member"s" lead"s" to fairness.
自分なら後ろにof burdensとかin their familyとかを付けて何の公平性であるかをもう少しはっきりさせます。あと文頭にbecauseを付けて、前の文に対する根拠であることを強調します。

・If a child does no chores at all while living with his or her family, the child will be confused about chores when he or she starts living on his or her own.
childrenからa childに変えたのは何か意図がありますかね？confuseは因果関係とか関係性に対する混乱の感じがするので、自分ならwill have troubleくらいにしますね。別に問題ないのかもしれないですが。

・I think children should be taught how to do chores by their families.
ここも文頭にsoをつけるなどして、前の文とのつながりを強調しますね。英作文なので小論よりは採点甘いと思いますが、their familyの方を主語にした能動態の書き方の方が「すべき」という主張に対する自信が伺えると思います。

stressがなかったですね。
and it will be good for them to learn early the stress to live their lives.とかchores would be stress for them but it will pay in the end I'm sure.とか。