英検準1級を受けます。添削をしていただけないでしょうかm(_ _)m16点満点で好きなように点数つけていただけると嬉しい…

Question

英検準1級を受けます。添削をしていただけないでしょうかm(_ _)m16点満点で好きなように点数つけていただけると嬉しいです。
お題はagree or disagree:Japanese companies should hire more foreign workers
です！
I agree this opinion that Japanese companies should hire more foreign workers.I have two reasons for my agree.
the first reason is that I think to hire foreign workers is good in economical aspect for Japanese companys.indeed,some Japanese companies such as Family mart that is convenience store,are go abroad to hire low cost workforce.
second reason is that hiring foreigner give profits, that is concerning about culture,for not only Japanese but also foreigners.In Japanese side,we can learn more foreigh countries.this is good for Japanese economic because Japanese companies can extend their market to these countries that is likely to buy Japanese products.whereas,in foreigner side,they learn maner such as Omotemasi.
for the following two reasons,I think companies in Japanese should hire foreign workers more

Answer 1

投稿前にまず推敲しましょう。綴りの間違いや、文の最初の文字は大文字になってるか。

短時間で仕上げるので知っている限りの表現を使ったのはよくわかりますが、テンプレのうろ覚えで使い方の間違いが散見されます。

同じ単語の重複を避けるためには、同義語をいくつか知っておく方がいいでしょう。hire の同義語はemploy、worker ならemployee など言い換えられます。下に参考文を載せました。トピックセンテンスで使われている単語の同義語や、選んだポイントの単語がどんな派生語に置き換わっているか見つけてみてね。

(1)I agree this opinion that Japanese companies should hire more foreign workers.I have two reasons for my agree.

トピックセンテンスをそのままイントロで使うなら、結論では、文型か単語を変えて言い換える練習が必要です。

…for my agree.でのagree は、この文末にこの原形動詞をそのままでは使えません。タイプミスでしょうか？

(2)the first reason is that I think to hire foreign workers is good in economical aspect for Japanese companys.

the はThe に。companys は、companies.
good では表現的に貧弱。
I think は不要。
to hire foreign works の重複使用を避けるため、他に言い換える。
語数稼ぎに、the first reason is that…のテンプレ使う人は多いねwww 。イントロでreasons 使ったので、同じ単語の繰り返しはなるべく避けるべく、Firstと端的に書く方がわかりやすい。

indeed,some Japanese companies such as Family mart that is convenience store,are go abroad to hire low cost workforce.

書き出しは大文字で。indeedはなぜここで使われているのかよくわからない。
are は不要ですが、コンビニは一軒だけではないはす。ファミマの例を入れたかったのかもしれませんが、一文を短くして具体的に書きましょう。

(3)second reason is that hiring foreigner give profits, that is concerning about culture,for not only Japanese but also foreigners.In Japanese side,we can learn more foreigh countries.this is good for Japanese economic because Japanese companies can extend their market to these countries that is likely to buy Japanese products.whereas,in foreigner side,they learn maner such as Omotemasi.

The second reason のthe を忘れています。推敲しましょう。
理由その1に比べて長いです。バランスが悪いです。理由が被っている点も。
these countries はどこの国？
good より難易度の高い語を使おう。
国内の外国人労働者雇用事情に特化して書きましょう。

(4)for the following two reasons,I think companies in Japanese should hire foreign workers more

for the following reasons は、以下の二つの理由で、の意味ですから、結論で使うのはマイナス。うろ覚えのテンプレの地雷ふみましたね。結論で上記の理由を簡単にまとめる文があるとスピーチにも役に立ちます。

Good luck !

（参考）
In recent years, it is not uncommon to see foreign workers in various kinds of industries. I am all for the trend towards boosting the employment of such staff. The reasons for that are twofold. (35).

First, Japan is facing a labor shortage. As the Japanese working-age population is decreasing, businesses like retailing, farming, care home services and construction are short on hand. They largely depend on foreign employees in order to keep their operations going. (40)

Second, highly skilled people from abroad are in great demand. It is important for Japan to recruit them to stay innovative and globally competitive in the field of high technology such as robotics, artificial intelligence and autonomous cars. (37)

In conclusion, I agree that Japan should employ more international human resources to make the domestic economy sustainable and lead the world in technological innovation. (25)

英検作文参考サイト
https://class-live.com/eiken1-writing/