英検2級ライティングの英作文の添削、採点をお願いしたいです。 よろしくお願いします。

Question

英検2級ライティングの英作文の添削、採点をお願いしたいです。
よろしくお願いします。TOPIC Some people say that people today should spend less time using the Internet. Do you agree with this opinion?

POINTS: Communication, Health, Eyesight

回答

I agree that people should spend less time using the Internet. I hare two reasons. First, excessive use of the Internet can deteriorate children's eyesight. This is partly because by using the Internet, they see the screen of their phones long time. This makes their eyes be tired. Second, it is necessary for children's health to play outside rather than to play Internet games. Playing outside will develop their bodies, make them healthier, and give them laan opportunity to make friends. For these reasons, I believe it would be good for people to reduce the amount of time using the Internet.

Answer 1

“I hare two reasons.”
→ “I have two reasons.”
◆スペルミスですね。

“see the screen of their phones long time.”
→ “look at the screens of their phones for a long time.”
◆"see the screen"という表現はしません。
◆「長い間」は"for a long time"です。重要なイディオムなので覚えておきましょう。
◆人によってはスマホのみ使用かもしれませんが、一般的な論点で言うと「画面」はスマホ、パソコン、タブレット、それからTVもあるので複数形に。

“This makes their eyes be tired.”
→ “This tires their eyes.”
◆あなたの表現だと英語としては分かりにくいので上記のように変えた方がいいですね。

“rather than to play Internet games.”
→ “rather than play online games.”
◆"to"は省略してオッケーです。
◆"online games"の方が一般的な表現です。

“Playing outside will develop their bodies, make them healthier, and give them laan opportunity to make friends.”
→ “Playing outside will help develop their bodies, make them healthier, and give them a chance to make friends.”
◆"will develop"ではなく"will help develop"の方がベター。これはもうニュアンスの問題で「何故？」と言われると説明が難しいのですが、"will develop"はより直接的で絶対的な結果を示唆し、屋外での遊びだけが成長を保証するかのように思わせるのに対し"will help develop"は成長の一因だけど要因ではない、という含みを持たせる事が出来ます。あと"help"という言葉が持つ意味から「外で遊んだ方が身体のためにも良いよ」と「励まし」のトーンになります。

“it would be good for people to reduce the amount of time using the Internet.”
→ “it would be beneficial for people to reduce the amount of time they spend using the Internet.”
◆"good"は稚拙な表現。
◆"they spend using the Internet.”を足した方が文法的には明瞭になります。

I agree that people should spend less time using the Internet. I have two reasons. First, excessive use of the Internet can deteriorate children's eyesight. This is partly because, by using the Internet, they look at the screens of their phones for a long time. This tires their eyes. Second, it is necessary for children's health to play outside rather than play online games. Playing outside will help develop their bodies, make them healthier, and give them a chance to make friends. For these reasons, I believe it would be beneficial for people to reduce the amount of time they spend using the Internet.

Answer 2

hare→have see→stare long time →for a long time be tired→tired
laan→the 全体としてよくかけていると思います。読み直しをし、スペルミスなどに気を付けてください。

参考にしてください。