英検2級ライティングの英作文の添削、できれば採点もお願いします。

Question

英検2級ライティングの英作文の添削、できれば採点もお願いします。前回の英検で50%しか取れませんでした。YouTubeなどを活用して改善したつもりですが、如何せん失点ポイントがよくわからないため改善できているのか不明です。
よろしくお願い致します。
以下問題文と回答です。

問題文

TOPIC
Today, many buildings collect rainwater and then use it in various ways, such as giving water to plants. Do you think such buildings will become more common in the future?
POINTS
• Cost.
• Emergency
• Technology

回答

I think that buildings that collect rainwater and use it in varioas ways will become more common in the future. This essay will explain two main reasons for my argument in terms of cost and emergency. First. it would be necessary fon companies to store much water in care of emergency. For instance, those rainwater can become the sole drink for people when the earthquake happen. Second, since those companies don't have to buy much water, money that they can use other things will increase. As a result, they will be able
to provide a better services for their customers. For the reasons mentioned above, I believe it is a good idea that more companies collect and use water.

Answer 1

まず注意すべきは…
①冠詞:付けるべき所、付けなくてもいい所など、結構英作文はうるさいです。私は在米がそこそこ長く小学校の先生をしていますが、冠詞の有無は未だに悩むことがままあります。

②主語と動詞の一致:これもうるさい。主語が複数形なのに動詞が三単現とかまたその逆とか。気をつけましょう。

③単複の間違い:不可算名詞は単数形扱いです。

④前置詞:前置詞が違うと意味が変わってくることがあります。気をつけましょう。

⑤スペル:極力スペルミスがないようにしましょう。

添削
"varioas" → "various"
◆スペルミス

"in care of emergency" → "in case of emergency"
◆これもスペルミス?

"those rainwater" → "that rainwater"
◆"rainwater"は不可算名詞なので"those"ではなく"that"で。

"the earthquake happen" → "an earthquake happens"
◆特定の地震を指すわけではないので"the"ではなく"an"で。
◆主語動詞の一致で"happen"は三単現の"happens"で。

"money that they can use other things" → "money they can use for other things"
◆前置詞が抜けてます。

"provide a better services" → "provide better services"
◆一つのサービスを提供するわけではないので"service"は複数形に。

あなたの文章の添削例
I think buildings that collect rainwater and use it in various ways will become more common in the future. This essay will explain two reasons for my argument: cost and emergencies. First, it is necessary for companies to store water in case of an emergency. For example, rainwater can become the only water source when an earthquake happens. Second, since companies don’t have to buy as much water, they can use the money for other things. As a result, they will be able to provide better services for their customers. For these reasons, I believe more companies should collect and use rainwater.

模範(?)解答
I believe buildings that collect rainwater will become more common in the future. First, collecting rainwater reduces costs. By using rainwater for tasks like watering plants or cleaning, building owners can lower water bills. This makes it an economical choice.

Second, rainwater collection is essential in emergencies. During natural disasters, access to clean water can be limited. Having rainwater stored provides a reliable backup in such situations.

In conclusion, rainwater collection systems offer both financial and safety benefits. As more people recognize these advantages, I expect more buildings to adopt this sustainable practice in the future.