英検準1級ライティング添削 ライティング添削をお願いしたいです。

Question

英検準1級ライティング添削

ライティング添削をお願いしたいです。問題 Parents should give children regular household chores agree or disagree

Point
Fairness
Responsibility
Time for study
Stress

Most people think that Parants should give children regular house hold chores, But I do not agree with giving children regular house hold chores in order to Children have to take time for study and to be not stress for children.

It is because children have to study to take more time to in order to dream will come true.

Moreover. A lot of children don't like to study. so It give them to make stress. It is not good for children.Actually, I don't like to study.

In condusion, Time is so important for children to grow up. So we need to help children make them time to study and don't give them make stress, In adition, It is necessary to spread this opinion.

Answer 1

内容 2/4
構成 2/4
文法 1/4
語彙 2/4

"Most people think that Parants should give children regular house hold chores, But I do not agree with giving children regular house hold chores in order to Children have to take time for study and to be not stress for children."
→
訂正文
"Most people think that parents should give children regular household chores, but I do not agree. I believe children should focus on their studies and avoid unnecessary stress."

訂正箇所
★"Parants"→"parents"
★"house hold"→"household"
★But以降の文章がダラダラと長すぎ。
★"to be not stress for children"という文章は文法的に成り立っていません。

**********
"It is because children have to study to take more time to in order to dream will come true."
→
訂正文
"Children need to spend more time studying to achieve their dreams."

訂正箇所
★ "in order to dream will come true"→"to achieve their dreams" あなたの文章は文法的に正確ではありません。"in order to"の後にSVの文章はきません。
★まどろっこしい文章をスッキリまとめました。

**********
"Moreover. A lot of children don't like to study. so It give them to make stress. It is not good for children. Actually, I don't like to study."
→
訂正文
"Moreover, many children do not enjoy studying, and forcing chores on them can cause additional stress. This is not good for their well-being. In fact, I also do not like to study."

訂正箇所
★Moreover.→"Moreover,
ピリオドではなくカンマがきます。
★"A lot of"→"many "
A lot ofでも間違いではないのですが、エッセイを書くにあたりフォーマルな文章を書く場合は、少なくともアメリカでは、manyが好まれます。
★"so It give them to make stress"→"and forcing chores on them can cause additional stress"
文法がごちゃまぜ、大文字小文字の使い分けだったので訂正しました。
★"Actually"→"In fact" この方が文章の流れが英語的にはスムーズに聞こえます。

**********
"In condusion, Time is so important for children to grow up. So we need to help children make them time to study and don't give them make stress, In adition, It is necessary to spread this opinion."
→
訂正文
"In conclusion, time is crucial for children’s development. We should help children have more time to study and reduce their stress. Additionally, it is important to share this perspective."

訂正箇所
★"condusion"→"conclusion"
★"Time is so important for children to grow up"→"time is crucial for children’s development" エッセイに適した言葉選び(語彙Vocabulary)は大切です。
★"make them time to study and don't give them make stress"→"have more time to study and reduce their stress" 文法的に意味不明なので明確な文章に変えました。
★"In adition"→"Additionally" ここにもスペルミスが。それから"Additiobally"とした方が文章の流れがスムーズに感じられます。

Answer 2

なぜ、大文字？

中学で習わなかったの？