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Question

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英検準一級ライティング問題の添削をお願いします。

問題文Do you think that online courses are as effective as traditional classes?

解答（自分で考えたエッセイ）
I agree this opinion that online courses are as effective as traditional classes. I have two reasons why I think so. The first reason is that online courses can take flexibility. Typically, most students are troubled that they haven't taking traditional classes by they busy study or homework and so on. However, online courses can decide time as they like. This mean that they can take online courses when they free time. The second reason is that they can leaning about interactive topics. For example, if they take traditional classes, they can't take classes only there was opened. On the other hand, they can choose courses in the online courses of numerous options. As a result, they are able to take a chance that learning all kinds of skills and senses. This is why I think it seems online courses become more common study style.

Answer 1

準一添削

Ｑ。Do you think that online courses are as effective as traditional classes?

A. I agree this opinion that online courses are as effective as traditional classes.
=間違いですよ。 この問題文では、agree かどうかは、尋ねていない

I have two reasons why I think so.

The first reason is that online courses can take flexibility.
＝後節の、 online courses は、人間なの？？C

Typically, most students are troubled that they haven't taking traditional classes by they busy study or homework and so on.
＝なにか、無茶苦茶な文だね。

However, online courses can decide time as they like.
＝後節の、 online courses は、人間なの？？

This mean that
＝３単現

以下略。

Answer 2

うーん、これ準一級のレベルには程遠い気がするのですが。文法ミスがあまりに多く、内容も重複が多すぎて薄っぺら。

全体的に字数稼ぎしているみたい。
I agree this opinion that online courses are as effective as traditional classes. I have two reasons why I think so. → I agree with this opinion with the following two reasons.
最後の締めにまた全く同じ文を繰り返すのもやめてください。I think it seemsはほとんどジョークの世界です。「そんなように私には思える」って説得力ゼロのエッセイですよね。

段落で改行しないと非常に読みにくい。
The first reason…
The second reason…

この文意味わかりません。文法的にもめちゃくちゃ…
most students are troubled that they haven't taking traditional classes by they busy study or homework and so on.
ほとんどの学生が勉強や宿題が忙しすぎて既成のクラスを取ってないっていう意味？
Most students are troubled→ Most students have a trouble
Haven’t taking… 現在完了形なのにing?
They busy… busyは動詞ではないからthey are busyとかにしないとね。 homeworkは名詞だし。they are busy studying or doing homeworkと言いたいのか。and so onを使いたい時は、orの代わりにカンマ入れてね。they are busy studying, doing homework and so on.

以下の文でオンラインコースが主語になるのはおかしい。
online courses can take flexibility
online courses can decide time as they like. オンラインコース自身がフレキシビリティーのメリットと受けたり時間を決めることなんてできません。フレキシビリティーを受け取れるのも時間を決められるのも学生です。
Online courses can give students flexibility.
Online courses allow students to decide time as they like.
ですがこれも字数稼ぎ。っていうのはこの2文、同じこと言っているから。さらにその次の文も基本的に同じこと言っている。(when they free time.動詞ないね。when they have free time. でしょう)
ならばThey can take online courses whenever they have free time. とかOnline courses give students flexibility to take courses whenever they have time. で3文で同じこと繰り返さないですみます。

they can leaning about interactive topics.
これもわからない文。まず中学英語の文法ミス。canの後に動名詞／現在進行形なんて入れられる？スペルミスも痛い→They can learn. interactive topicsて何？ they can learn topics interactively と言いたいのかな？ それからinteractively というのは「双方向で」という意味なので、どちらかというと教室で授業に出席する方がinteractivelyに学べるのですが…

if they take traditional classes, they can't take classes only there was opened.
これもわからない。もしかしてこれって日本語の「クラスが開かれた時にしか取れない」の直訳英語？ でも、この英語は「クラスが(過去に)開いた時だけ、クラスを取ることができない」という意味になるんだが… they can take classes only when they are in session.ということを言いたいのでは？

they can choose courses in the online courses of numerous options. → they can choose classes from numerous online courses.

As a result, they are able to take a chance that learning all kinds of skills and senses.
Take a chanceって、一回こっきりの機会？ このフレーズはtake a risk と似たような意味になるので、take opportunities (複数にしないとね)の方が正しく伝わります。
that learningも文法上間違い。to learn
このsensesってどういう意味でしょう？