英検準1級のライティングの添削お願いします！

Question

英検準1級のライティングの添削お願いします！Topic: The number of children who take the Junior high school entrance exam is increasing.
Points: Ability, Parent, Competition, Motivation

I don't think that the number of children who take the junior high school entrance exam is increasing. I have two reasons to support my opinion in terms of parent and motivation.

First of all, relationship between children and parent will be deteriorate. For example, some porent punish their children if they don’t study hard and get a bad score on a test. Therefore, they are likely to fight each other under such conditions.

Second of all, it is difficult for children to keep their motivation up. For instance, most children prefer playing rather than studying, and thus it is challenging for them to concentrate on studying long time.

Based on the forgoing reasons, less children take the junior high school entrance examination.

Answer 1

少し語彙力を上げて、簡潔かつ明瞭に手直ししました。選んだポイントの語句をそのまま使うよりも少しひねりを加えます。
質問者さんのテンプレのイントロは、まあ並みというか定石を使っていて、それでも構いません。

しかし、結論のテンプレBased on the foregoing reasons は、現代英語では、まず選ばないし、使わない、超お堅い古風な言い回しです。質問者さんの英文と全く釣り合ってないテンプレの落とし穴です。今の時代に合ったストレートな表現を使って下さい。
”In conclusion,"
"To sum up,"
“Given the reasons mentioned above" が、エッセイライティングでよりわかりやすく、一般に使われている例です。

I believe that the number of children taking the junior high school entrance exam isn't increasing. I base my opinion on two factors: parent-child relationships and student motivation.

Firstly, the bond between children and their parents can deteriorate due to academic pressures. Some parents, for instance, might reprimand their children for not studying diligently or achieving low scores. Such situations can lead to conflicts and strained relations.

Secondly, maintaining motivation is a challenge for many children. Typically, children would rather play than study, making it hard for them to focus on academics for extended periods.

Considering these reasons, fewer children are likely to take the junior high school entrance examination.
（語数128)

Answer 2

文法、語彙、雛型については先の方が指摘してるので省略しますが、導入部と理由についての係り受けに違和感を覚えました。

あなたが中学受験を否定する理由は合理性があります。しかし人数は増加してないと客観的なことを言うなら、客観的な根拠が必要だと思います。
導入部を「中学受験者数が増えているが、私は中学受験には反対だ 」とした方が論理的に思います。

Answer 3

>parent
複数形に。

>children and parent will be deteriorate
ここは未来形ですがどういった意味でしょうか？
理由１と２の内容が主題からちょっと外れてるように感じます。